Of Mischief And Lies
by eravvi
Summary: Separate one-shots about a certain God of Mischief. Rated T for occasional language.
1. Smiles

Loki couldn't remember the last time he has truly smiled out of happiness.

No, he could. It had been before this mess had started. Before Thor's coronation. A smile brought on by his illusions and light banter with his brother.

Afterwards every smirk, grin, and contemptuous sneer had been lies. A smile used for effects only, for demonstration, for necessity. A well-placed smirk could unsettle his opponents, and give Loki the advantage. He was never the best fighter, but he could throw around a smile on his face any time he needed to, even if he wasn't happy.

When was the last time he was truly happy?

He could remember the smiles he wore at times of mild pleasure, but that had always been accompanied by hate, anger, and envy. A smile that masked bitterness.

He could remember a simpler time, when he could smile at ease. A time when burst of laughing fits could fly easily out of his silver tongue. A time when a trick was a trick, and that was all. A time before all these elaborate schemes. A time when Thor was his best friend and brother.

But of course, that was all a lie as well.

And not his own lie, for once. The lies of Odin the _Allfather_.

All of the happiness he'd ever felt had been carved from a lie, the fruit from a tree that was once a bad seed.

Lies had always been Loki's favorite weapon. You could stack them until it was hard to unwind, then pull the rope and watch it dissolve. Everything they thought was real wasn't. The most effortless way to get what you wanted.

But he learned he liked it a lot less at the recieving end.

 _His whole life had been a series of lies._

He was a frost giant, Laufey's son, taken in only as a bargaining chip lest the Jutons ever rise to power again. He wasn't Frigga's son, or an Odinson, or even Thor's little brother. He was the monster of the Aseir children's nightmares. Odin said it himself.

Right before conveniently slipping into Odinsleep, avoiding the truth.

Coward. The mighty Allfather, a coward. He avoided both truth and war. He was a fool.

Thor had said that once, before being banished to Midgard to earn his worthiness. And sure enough, he returned with his hammer in hand. He had a throne secured for himself, where he could rule out the rest of his days and feast every night.

Loki, however, had always believed he had been destined for something different, greater, though not necessarily so in Odin's single eye. He longed to do something that he could be appreciated for, something that Yggdrasil could cradle for millennia. Something different, bigger, than being King, although it would definitely not concern ruling others. He had never wanted the throne, anyways. He just wanted to be treated as an equal to Thor's power and be _himself_ while he was there.

But to Odin he was nothing more than a tool, a stolen relic.

" _You're my son. I wanted only to protect you from the truth."_

But the lies, they hurt so much more.

* * *

Because "my whole life is a lie" is most definitely fitting for Loki.

Not really sure when this takes place. While he sat on the throne? In the space pit he fell into? Just a random moment? In his cell from the Avengers, or perhaps the Asgardian one? I don't know.

The last time Loki truly smiles (at least in this story) is from a deleted scene in Thor, where he turns wine into a snake or something. Review please?


	2. Stairs to Death

This one contains a lot of strange italizing and holding, and it's better to not to skim it because it makes absolutely zero sense that way.

* * *

A guard turned the corner, heading straight for Loki. "Lady Frigga is dead," he said sharply. "She was stabbed by a Dark Elf."

Loki turned to him. He didn't need to ask twice to confirm it. Every line across the guard's face betrayed no lies. Wordlessly, he motioned for the guard to leave him alone. He didn't feel like watching the guard leave him- _like Frigga had left him-_ and he turned around to hide his pain.

Frigga was dead. The Queen was dead. Killed by a Dark Elf.

 _ **Frigga was dead.**_

Inside his cell all he could see was what Frigga had given him. Everything sang of Frigga and her kind generosity. And how had he thanked her? By leading her murderer to her. Loki couldn't stop his mind from whirring into disturbia, grief mixed with guilt and _the only one who still loved him unconditionally and listened to him and understood him-_

Whenever Loki allowed himself to open his eyes he could _see_ Frigga, only she _wasn't_ there. Everything had _no meaning_ and he could _feel_ himself creating an illusion of Frigga even though another part of him screamed _**destroy it**_ and he couldn't think straight because the walls of his mind labyrinth had _fallen down_. Every part of him that could once think calmly through anything _shattered_ and his control fell through his fingertips and through the illusion-

A bright golden light tore apart the false illusion, blasting apart everything that once screamed of his adopted mother and _everything inside him collapsed_ and suddenly he couldn't hold it in and _exploded_ so that every comfort he had now lay in rags on the ground-

And there was that book. A book Frigga had given him herself, a book that needed to be destroyed because he could no longer bear seeing anything that reminded him of-

But he _couldn't do it_ because he _**still loved her**_ even though she was dead and that meant _she was no longer there to be with him and comfort him._ She wasn't here to teach him how to create illusions anymore. He couldn't even use magic now because it tore at him the way a needle pulled at a stitch that was undone-

He smashed his fist through something and he couldn't tell what it was anymore; only that it hurt - _good_ \- it was made of glass - _even better_ \- and _**why**_ did he tell the Dark Elf to take the stairs on the left-

And why wasn't there anyone to protect the Queen? Why was there no one there to fight off the Dark Elves?

 _ **Because I led them to the place that was unguarded.**_

He grabbed one of the pieces of glass, throwing it to the ground with as much force as he could muster. He watched it shatter and break _the same way he felt_ and he could feel Frigga's gaze piercing him until it became the only thing he could see-

 _ **Stop lying to yourself; she's dead and that's all she'll ever be now.** _ In his mind he could feel the power of magic surging through him and he wanted it to stop. _What good was it to be the best sorcerer in all the Nine Realms if he could do nothing to save the life of the one who still understood him?_ Loki was barely conscious of the pricks of glass under his feet. And why should he care? Now was perfect for the pain. It did nothing to numb the grief, but the stabs of physical pain matched the rhythm of pure anger and loss-

And he screamed, because it was the only thing that he could think to do and he _screamed_. Loki could feel the sound escape him and he fell again, through the cracks that could never be mended again because _Frigga was gone and would never return and **it was all his fault**_ **-**

And he could feel himself, lost inside the deep corners of his mind, swirling into nothingness and _it was like falling from the Bifrost_ but only it was all inside his head... But how could it be only inside him when it was all around him as well? It had to be around him, because an imaginary knife couldn't stab anyone-

And for a moment the storm inside him stilled for just the short moment before he was thrown into it all over again and this time he could see Frigga fighting the Dark Elves and he could see her getting stabbed-

 _ **No!**_ Loki screamed at her. He screamed for her and _he screamed_ and he couldn't tell if he screamed out loud or not or if he cared-

But it was no use because Frigga was _dead_. Yet Loki could still hear the ghost of her words and he _could hear everything_ that she'd ever said-

 _"Monsters are not born..."_

Wasn't he a monster though? Was he just one now, or when had the monster grown into him from the very beginning? He thought he had known but had he _really_ -

"Always so perceptive of everyone except yourself," Frigga's soft voice broke through his thoughts.

"Frigga," Loki mouthed silently. When when he raised his green eyes he couldn't see anything but the absence of her. " _Frigga..._ "

He was done. There was nothing left to do. It broke at some strange part of himself and he slumped down. If he looked he could make out the outlines of broken glass and blood and _everything was nothing to him_ now. He didn't care about anything or anyone and he just wished for it _to all be over._

 _ **Am I not your mother?**_

Loki bent his head and watched the first tears fall into his hands, watching the effect of pure sorrow and guilt take place of anger.

 _ **Yes, you are.**_

 _ **You will always be my mother.**_

 _ **And I swear on everything and anything that your death will be avenged.**_

* * *

Mostly an experiment fic. Playing with effects, and lots of strange wordplay because it's meant to represent insanity.

Did anyone notice that the magic Loki uses to destroy his cell is gold, not green? I don't know if green is only for illusions but I like to think that this is what happened.

oh yeah, the Loki scream. Somewhere on YouTube there's the version with the audio and it's really giving me the feel-chills.

Review, maybe?


	3. Chaos

It's been a while since I've posted a chapter, and I'll spare you the excuses. But the story I'm working on is a little longer- it's 2000+ words as of now- so hopefully it will be worth it. It's also Humor, which is something I haven't yet done.

Until then, I decided to write a sub-story (which happens not to be humor). This one takes place as Loki opens the gates to Asgard, allowing frost Giants in.

Onwards!

* * *

God of Mischief.

God of Lies.

What?

Loki didn't get it. Mischief and lies- two things that he may be excelled in, but didn't exactly match.

" _Why not the god of magic?" He'd asked Odin once._

 _"Did you create magic?" The Allfather chuckled._

 _"I know more magic than the fool who did," Loki snapped._

 _"Ah, well, Yggdrasil is the cause of magic, in the end."_

 _Loki rolled his eyes. "Yggdrasil is the reason you're on the throne."_

 _"Loki, you can't say it was entirely luck or blessing-"_

 _"And yet I'm not the magic god!"_

 _"Son, we are not gods. This is merely a title that you will be given," Odin sighed, exasperated. He ruffled Loki's hair. (At this time the young Trickster was still under the height of the Allfather, much to his annoyance. After all, the king was quite short without platforms under his boots.)_

 _Loki glowered and stalked away with a strange likeliness of a cat._

Now he watched the gates to Asgard. Calculating. It never made sense, but he'd never asked Odin of it again. He had asked Frigga, but she simply smiled and said that he should be proud he was the god of multiple things, unlike Thor, who had been restricted to thunder.

Two things that would never be quite as strong as Mjolnir, Loki thought. Mischief and lies were two very powerful forces, but what good would they be? Individually there were limits to how far one could use them. Although he was quite proud of his talents, especially in magic, he occasionally wished he had something of strength. Something like Thor's hammer. Combined, his abilities made nothing. Nothing that made sense, anyways.

Perhaps that was the point. Maybe Odin hadn't intended it- he probably hadn't- but mischief and lies, it was like a recipe for chaos. And wasn't that what he was?

He clicked open the doors, casting a green illusion over everything. Emerald eyes turned to the sky, Loki struck his palm upwards, sending a signal out. If Jutons were less dim-witted than Loki expected, they'd see the signal and attack.

Chaos. He loved it. A lovely masterpiece way to ruin Thor's perfect day. This would show Odin how unstable thunder was. The Allfather would know now, that he needed to keep a firm grip on Asgard. Things were not going to stay the same for long, if the fool remained so peaceful and relaxed. Loki could change this all.

Loki, god of chaos.

This was a title worthy of holding.

* * *

Yes, it's quite short. I'm sorry. *shuffles away to work on other stories*


	4. The Princess Bride

I've promised Humor as well as all that Hurt, but since apparently I've lost my ability to write about such thing, I decided to make up for it with this. It's a bit longer, too.

Based off that one Norse myth titled "Thor's Wedding". Well, the real title is in some other language, but searching up "Thor's Wedding", maybe throw in "frost giant" and it should show up.

A few Princess Bride references, as well. Actually, a lot. So, if you've been living in Jotunhiem, go on and watch it now. I assume you'd find this a lot more amusing.

Onwards!

* * *

This is a story of fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love (if you count arranged marriages of political gain) and miracles. And Loki had never imagined it would go down like this.

The Thunderer's hammer had been stolen. Okay, he'd figured that would happen one day.

A Frost Giant named Thrym had happened to steal it. All right. Loki suspected only a Jotun would be so stupid as to attempt such a burglary anyways.

Thrym agreed to return Mjlonir, but required that Freya be brought to marry him. Things were getting interesting, Loki figured.

Odin and the rest of his "council" refused, demanding something else. Of course they did.

Thrym refused. This, too, was obvious from the start.

Then Loki was brought to the table.

"Got any ideas?" Odin asked him. His voice displayed impatience, since all his advisors had stupid ideas that would never work with frost giants on the line. (Among the list was "give them cookies".)

Loki was never quite used to Odin actually needing him, but he'd already gotten a plan brewed. "We infiltrate their headquarters and ambush."

But of course, this was Loki. So his plan _really_ meant "We send in Thor as Freya, and once they're about to seal their vows- which will be on the hammer, naturally- Thor lashes out and attacks."

"As you wish," Odin grunted.

* * *

And so it was determined that Loki would be in charge of this plan, seeing as he was the only one who knew how it worked.

But of course, there was some preparation to be done. After all, Freya was the love goddess, meaning Thor had to look somewhat like a beautiful woman. For whatever reason, Loki had to do this, as well.

"Sif should be doing this," muttered Loki. He twisted a section of Thor's hair (which was, thankfully, long) into a flat knot, creating a neat version of what would be called a half-up do in the far future.

"Yeah, why isn't she helping me instead of you?"

"I don't know, Odin's stupid!" Pins flew at the Thunderer's hair from all directions with a green blast.

"Hurry up," Thor complained. "If I had my hammer-"

"Which you don't, so shut up until I'm finished with this section!" Loki snarled. He viciously stabbed another pin into his brother's hair. "There. Now your hair is perfect."

"I look retarded."

"I cannot argue with that."

"What hope is there for disguising me as a girl?" Thor grumbled. "Can't you use your mag-"

"No," said Loki flatly. "I've never been to Jotunhiem and I don't want to find out what happens to magic in such a severe case as this."

"OW!" screeched Thor as Loki tightened the dress. "THE PAIN-"

"Life is pain," Loki deadpanned. "Anyone who says differently is selling something."

"What?" Thor asked, quite confused.

"Nevermind."

Loki busied himself by placing an elaborate veil over the Thunderer's face, seeing as his brother had refused to shave and made an ugly girl. Both knew there was no likeliness of Freya in that face. The younger prince spent quite a while trying to figure out the purpose of each helpfully unlabeled bottle. He had no idea what makeup was used for, although he sometimes saw it being used, and had to redo things many times due to lack of experience applying eyeliner.

"Are you trying to torture me through the means of slow preparation?" Thor grumbled.

"You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles," Loki responded wisely.

Thor stared at his reflection. He was wearing a white dress. His face, although bearded, now bore resemblance to a female being. If it weren't for such severe circumstances, he would have never even imagined doing this. "Think it'll work?"

"It would take a miracle," Loki conceded. "Shall we be off?"

* * *

The two (quite alone) arrived in foreign territory three hours later. All around them was ice and cold. A jagged rocks stood sharply around the barren land. A few tall structures seemingly made of ice towered above the Asgardian royalty.

"Well," Loki muttered. "I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here- I mean, it's ice!- but the trees are actually quite lovely."

Thor glared at his little brother and looked around for any sign of a tree. As far as he could see, there was only one, and it seemed to be either made of ice or frozen into ice. And as the two walked on towards what must have been the home of Thrym, the Thunderer tripped.

Thor had insisted on wearing a cloak, to cover up his dress. Loki, who was disguised as the bridesmaid, was also wearing a cloak; though it was a more fitting shade of sapphire, versus Thor's bright vibrant red. The younger brother had decided on a much simpler dress that was quite like a tunic, and rather comfortable, if the Trickster dare say so himself. They carried with them only what was needed; a tiara and a crimson cape, and boots, for neither brother wore shoes appropriate for running away from angry frost giants.

"Ah, we've been discovered!" Loki gasped. And indeed, came two frost giants strolling towards them in a friendly fashion. These were the first two frost giants the brothers had ever seen. Somehow, Loki thought, Odin made them sound a lot scarier than they were. They didn't seem like monsters; they were just another race.

"You must be Freya," said one of them. They had strange accents, and understood little of what Loki said, but, after a long while of conversing, they were escorted in to the grand hall.

"I'm studying their language next," whispered Loki quietly as they walked down blue hallways. "And don't talk. At all. Ever. Or else. Okay?"

"O-"

"No talking!" Loki hissed. Thor nodded.

"When can we start the wedding?" asked a tall Jotun. Loki had noticed earlier they didn't wear much, to reveal their strange markings, but this one had runes that practically glowed with blue scrawled all over his body.

"Um, you are Thrym, I assume?" The Liesmith bowed slightly. "Please to meet you."

"Answer. My. Question."

"Well, we've got a little more to do. You know, with the tiara," lied Loki.

"Can I at least see her face?"

"Uh, nope! It's an Aesir tradtition for the bride not to show her face until married." More lies.

"I do not know of such tradition," Thrym stared deep into Loki's green eyes. Those red eyes were rather unnerving.

"That's because you've spent your whole life thinking about how they fight, not how they marry."

And with that, Loki half-dragged his brother towards the closest empty chamber he could find, and locked the door.

"Can I talk now?" asked Thor. His brother opened up the bag, rummaging for the diadem.

"Let me do the talking and you'll be fine. Just do as you're told," Loki murmured, trying to adjust the tiara so that it held the veil in place. "Remember the plan?"

"Right before our vows, I get back what's _mine_ and crush these idiots!" Thor grinned enthusiastically.

Loki tied on the white cape and smiled. Blue eyes met green for a single moment, then they threw open the doors and proceeded to the wedding.

* * *

"So, tell me more about Freya," Thrym goaded, taking a large swig of ale.

Thor opened his mouth but Loki cut across him. "She's very kind and loving; best wife you could ever ask for."

The golden-haired brother shot Loki a look that certainly did not displace kindness of loving.

Such facials were not inaccurate, however, for Freya had displayed horrifying rage on several occasions. (With good reason, too; about once a month Frandel attempted to look up her robes.)

"Is she as beautiful as promised?"

"More beautiful than anything you've ever seen. Not that this place isn't-"

Thrym had ignored Loki and simply stared at "Freya," who had gobbled up an entire thigh of... who knew what kind of meat that was?

"Is she always like this?"

"Hungry? Oh, no! Lady Freya has been simply too ecstatic to eat," Loki replied through gritted teeth. All these lies took nothing short of a silver tongue, he thought as he dodged a kick from Thor.

At this, the frost giant had frowned. At first Loki thought he had noticed the "commotion" going under the table, but soon realized it was due to his previous statement. "Asgardians are usually thrilled to marry Jotuns?"

"Honestly? No!" Besides him, Loki could practically feel Thor's relief. "But Lady Freya is honored to be part of such an important moment. This is a wedding none shall forget."

"And is not speaking another _tradition_?" Suspicion laced in the giant's voice, filled with the ice of the race.

"Uh-well-" Loki stumbled a bit. He had hoped it would not come to this so early.

"Pray tell," Thrhm asked dryly. He kept glancing at the veil in a hungry fashion.

At first, Loki considered calling this another false tradition, but decided that, in case Thor found himself speaking a little too early, he explained it was a "sore throat."

"I do not have a sore-" Thor started, voice as unfortunately deep as ever. Loki gave him a quick kick in the shins.

"See what I mean?" The Liesmith faked a grimace. After all, every power had its expenses and Loki felt he was most definitely pushing it. "We've been trying to find her a remedy, but in the end, I suppose it's best if she doesn't speak at all."

"As you wish," the blue giant muttered with a nonchalant shrug.

* * *

A priest (of some sort- Loki could never be sure in this realm) stood at the end of the hall. Thor waited uncomfortably- as he was in four inch heels- at the end of the walkway. As Loki claimed, Freya had no identifiable father. Thrym stopped caring. He just wanted to lift the veil.

Thor slugged down the isle, looking nothing like a girl and certainly nothing like Freya. Loki watched as his older brother ascended the steps and stood straight and tall before Thyrm. He'd wondered why he hadn't just shaved off Thor's beard- he looked rather ridiculous. A tall, blond Freya with strange hairs on her face. The Liesmith prayed to Yggdrasil that these frost giants had never seen an Aesir in their life. He fidgeted in his chair, squirming uncomfortably close to a Jotun. Slowly, an elderly priest with the ugliest hair Loki had ever seen trudged to the "couple".

"Mawwiage." The voice of the priest rang out into the icy walls. Loki was beginning to regret asking Thrym to say everything in Allspeech, because these accents were becoming too much. "Mawwiage is bwings us togewah today. Mawwiage, that blessed arrangement."

While the frost giant priest- clad in a sickeningly bright chartreuse robe- paused to cough, Loki hid his snickers. Thor's right eye was twitching. Mjlonir was between them, the only chance for the two Asgardian princes.

"That dweam, wiffin a dweam, and wuv, two wuv-"

Loki couldn't help it and snorted at that one. His golden-haired brother glared at him with icy blue eyes.

"-will fowow you foweva... so tweasure your wuv."

What seemed like a thousand minutes later, the ceremony was almost sealed. Thyrm had agreed to marry Freya, saying "I do" with utmost happiness. Now all eyes stared at Thor, waiting for him to respond.

He never did. Thor grabbed the hammer, smashing through the frost giants while Loki threw a few daggers. Thrym yanked off the veil and twin shrieks of horror rang through the crystal blue halls. Thor clutched his head, pins stuck in jagged positions of his hair, while the frost giant finally realized that "Freya" was most certainly not female. Loki threw on his boots- eternally glad that he'd hidden them under his seat- and pulled Thor out of the hall and into a random room.

Slamming the doors shut behind him, the Trickster gasped for breath, taking in his surroundings. No windows. No doors except for the one his back was on. No trap doors, ceiling holes. Just blue ice. It was making Loki rather uncomfortable, all this blue. And he knew that for sure they couldn't hold back angry frost giants for long.

"Throw on these," Loki tossed Thor his rightful boots.

"Can I change first?" His brother asked hopefully.

"Are you kidding me? NO! We haven't got that kind of time!"

But see, the problem with there being no other exits is that one must exit through the same doors they entered. Thor didn't seem to find this a problem. In fact, the Thunderer chuckled loudly.

"Let them come at us! I have a storm they have yet to witness!"

"Thor, you're wearing a dress-"

"No matter!" Thor chuckled, throwing open the doors.

Outraged red eyes glared.

"Anybody want a peanut?" Loki offered.

* * *

bonus scene! (Because I absolutely needed to use this quote and twist it and make this)

* * *

He could see the Dark Elves.

They would die under his hand, by his dagger.

Every last one of them.

He didn't care if it made him a monster, or which one actually killed Frigga; he was responsible for her death, so now he would balance out the scales. Frigga always told him that it was balance, not one sided domination that was the best.

The Dark Elves had been the ones to murder that beauty and wisdom.

They could have the mortal, they could have Thor, too. They could burn the Nine Realms down, if that was what they wanted.

But they should never have hurt Frigga.

He wanted them dead.

"I am Loki of Jutonheim," he announced.

You killed my mother.

Prepare to die.

* * *

Okay, I'm done! Is it even barely humorous? I've been staring at this too long. Review, maybe? :D


	5. Hanging By A Thread

Thank you thank you thank you for all the support on this absolutely hopeless story. It means the world to see people reading my stuff.

And this chapter isn't humor. Yes, I know. More hurt. No comfort. I swear I'm not trying to write depressing stories.

Onwards!

* * *

The only hope was a spear that was once his only goal. Thor at one end, pulling him away from what would surely mean death. Realms were connected; the best Loki could hope for- if he fell- would be landing in Helheim. Hopefully, he'd never find out. Odin stood next to his son, standing over the edge of the broken bridge.

Was it worth it? Destroying the Bifrost? Tiptoeing the line of a peace treaty that years of war won?

Of course it was. This was Loki's greatest chance to prove himself. To fix all the lies to truth in one final moment. One amazing feat, provided by the overlooked prince of Asgard. Finally, a god worthy of praise and worship. A prince worthy to be king. His one chance to be someone truly powerful, to show the world the power that he wielded, a complex webbed trap of magic and carefully placed lies.

He'd been told he was the god of lies.

But he'd been lied to.

So who was the true liar?

Loki hated it. More than anything, he hated how much he resembled Odin. If Odin had lied to Loki his entire life, shut down all his accusations, any trace that he might have been anything other than an Aesir prince, how good of a liar could he be?

If you could lie to the Liesmith, would you be the better liar?

Loki hated that idea, too. That no matter what, he could never ever the best at anything. It must have been out of pure mockery that Odin named him god of mischief and lies.

He'd been told he was an Asgardian, too.

Another lie.

 _I might as well be turning blue by the hand_ , Loki thought, looking up at the spear that now meant survival. If he had any idea how his Juton magic worked he'd blast off Odin's remaining eye.

Why hadn't the Allfather told him? Wouldn't it have been easier, knowing he was different? After all, Loki had always known he didn't quite fit in. But having such power would at least combat those who dared to mess with a frost giant. Like Thor. He could have shown his idiot brother-no, Thor wasn't his brother anymore- that Jutons were still powerful to fight, even if they were under submission.

He let out a sigh. "I could have done it, Father! I could have done it! For you! For all of us!"

And what would Odin say? Would he finally be accepted? After all this time? Even as a frost giant?

He'd traded one life for another. He'd eliminated a dangerous race in one smooth sweep. Thor was back, now worthy to become king. All thanks to Loki. Surely that was worth something.

"No, Loki."

Everything seemed to crash around his ears. Loki felt his grip slacken on Gungnir. He had expected it, in a sad twisted way, but Loki could still feel the tears covering his eyes, ready to slip away.

And so was he, wasn't he?

He'd never be accepted after all.

After all he'd worked for. The world wanted only to believe what was easiest to accept. Loki had known this, ever since he'd first started to lie. He learned how to use words to manipulate thoughts to his own will.

Yet here he was, one hand slipping off. He could make it back on the bridge, but he'd start from the very bottom. Besides, he'd never get what he really wanted. He'd have nothing to work for, just a lost in the large shadow cast by everyone else.

He'd have nothing to live for.

In other words, he wasn't worth living anymore.

And wasn't that depressing. A god who'd lived his whole life wishing to be something greater, only to find out that not only was he a monster, he was the monster princeling. And now he had killed one father to impress the other, and the kingdom he'd chosen didn't need him. His life purpose had been used up. He'd played all the cards and now had nothing else to do with his life.

Loki glanced behind himself- and the sight was maddening. A swirling nebula of green and blue awaited him, beckoning him into nothingness. A nothingness that no longer seemed like such a terrifying thought as it had moments earlier. There was one choice. And Loki had chosen.

He let go.

"LOKI NO-" Thor's voice rang out as the space carried the younger brother down. A moment later, another cry of despair, though growing less and less audible. " _NO_!"

Loki drifted further down, the space cradling him in a deathly embrace. It was like floating, but going downwards at the same time. There was no flash of life before his eyes, no wind rushing past him. He sent one last thought out, a prayer that Yggdrasil be kind with his soul.

Then he stilled the storm within him and turned away, awaiting nothing and leaving everything.

* * *

I should get some sort of punishment for writing so much of this depressing stuff. Next time, I swear I'm going to write something less depressing. Maybe I'll finally get on that comfort stuff.

Regardless, reviews? :D


	6. Mind Games

I never really meant to take such a long break. I'll spare you the apologies, as usual.

So I was going to write a comfort story, but I couldn't bring myself to do it and I really hate forcing myself to write things, and then I wanted to write something revenge-y but that didn't feel right either, so now I'm writing this. This is a battle-confrontation thingy between Wanda (Scarlet Witch) and Loki. It is AU, but who knows? Avengers Infinity Wars may very well bring us this opportunity.

Onwards!

* * *

A flash of red energy surges towards his face. Loki ducks, instinctively, and looks towards the light. A girl, dressed in red and black, dark eyes sharp and clear, glowing red with determination. Ribbon-like crimson twists around her hands like streams, a pure energy like webs for the mind.

Though he's never met her, he knows for sure who she is- the Scarlet Witch. He has heard the stories of her power, of how she bends the minds to her will and how things move at her will. The girl stares up at him- perhaps she can see that he has recognized her. "You know me."

Loki grins slightly. Every unnerving movement he makes is another chance to unmake an enemy. "Greetings, Wanda, the Scarlet Witch."

She stumbles back a little more. First names are always a valuable asset, Loki thinks. Red twists come from her fingers, wrapping around some of the Midgardian cars and she throws with all her strength. Unnerved, Loki puts forwards a palm, the cars suspended in mid-air.

Wanda drops her energy, glaring red eyes piercing into Loki's green eyes. "How-"

"Magic is something that I've had the chance to have learned from a young age," smirks the Mischief God. "It's not as rare as you think."

The girl pushes a wall of scarlet out, towards where Loki stands. Laughing, he pulled into the energy, twisting it into several illusions of Loki. The feeling of the girl's energy is strangely familiar, amplifying his emotions. Bitterness fills him as he realizes what it is- the girl gets her energy from the Mind Gem. To think that the force he once controlled had been placed on a mere mortal is maddening. _This_ is the force that he lost his control to. That he lost his title. His work. _Everything_. He hadn't expected to rule Midgard- what would he want from such a useless realm?-but he hadn't wanted to get his mind taken over by Thanos, either.

The Scarlet Witch wraps her energy around the Lokis, and this time, he's prepared. He fights the power, and thrusts it back towards the girl. Though his multiples are now shimmering green dust, his emerald eyes are now glittering blue. Loki can feel the energy, its need to control and be feared. Loki knows this better than _anyone_ could possibly ever. It wants to show him his darkest thoughts, the things he never wants to hear of again. Seizing his chance, anger boiling up within him, he lets himself turn blue, starting with his hands. He clutches Wanda's wrist so tightly she can't move. By the time it's reached his face, his blue eyes turn into a red similar to Wanda's. Though he's never had much practice in this form, he does know a few things about his abilities.

He knows enough to freeze her wrists, preventing her from using her powers. It's an effective decision, Loki thinks, his red eyes green once more. Even if it means becoming what he hates more than anything. He grins at Wanda, whose hands are locked into cuffs. "I've played this game before, little girl. What makes you think you can do it better than I can?"

She swallows, lifting her head slightly. "How can you- why doesn't it work-"

Loki stares at her for a little bit. It's clear that this is the first time her powers couldn't work on someone, or that this is the first time someone fought her power. "You wanted to show me my worst fears, my nightmares. But you can't control them because I'm already living inside of them."


	7. Relavation

Ayee that comfort part is here! This is actually a bit of a stretch for me, because whenever I write this kind of stuff it comes off as kind of sappy for me.

also- apparently this is the only place where short sentences are tolerated, because my English teacher is giving us Hel about long, thoughtful sentences (which I do not partake in frequently)

and while I may have said that I would upload this, I totally lied.

enough about my own life. Onwards!

* * *

 _Frost giant, frost giant._

He couldn't believe it.

His entire life he had believed he was one of the Aesir. True, he had his doubts, but they had always seemed pitiful compared to this grand reality.

So he ran.

To the room he knew showed every truth.

 _"What is it?" Frigga asked quietly. "Do you need any help-"_

 _"NO!" Loki screamed, tears streaming down his face. He didn't_ want _to be comforted. That was exactly what he didn't want. He just wanted to be left alone, to wallow in why he couldn't be good enough._

 _"Is it because of Odin? I know he can be a bit of a jerk- well, he's quite a jerk most of the time, actually..."_

 _Frigga's words faded away in his mind. Loki didn't want to laugh, either. He just wanted to know why. And until he knew, he'd shut himself out from the world. There was no joke or reassurance that he desired; he wanted to be_ alone _.  
_

 _But it seemed Frigga knew, and she would not allow it. "Come," she said simply, pulling up her son's hand. "I have something to show you."_

 _"I don't care. I don't want to see whatever it is you think will help me. I don't want any help," Loki muttered stubbornly, but he went along anyways, pushing himself up and freeing his hand of his mother's grip._

 _"I'm not showing you this because I think you aren't strong enough and need support. I'm showing you this because... you'll see."_

 _Frigga led him down the halls, turning at corners Loki didn't remember existed. She stopped before two gigantic golden doors, looking remarkably like the throne room. A pit dropped into Loki's stomach, and he cringed- the throne room was the very last place he wanted to be. But before he could complain, Frigga's hands glowed gold. The magic swirled around her hands like a stream over rocks, twisting and churning. She placed on hand on the door, and it seemed as though a gigantic hole had burned through it._ _Stepping inside, Frigga opened up her palms as Loki stared in wonder._

 _"This is what I wanted to show you."_

 _And he saw exactly why she wanted him here._

 _In the center of the circular room, was a brilliant glow, the shape of an ash tree that had seen more life than anything else. It was the World Tree, Yggdrasil. He'd never seen it, and he knew he couldn't... yet here it was. Branches like rivers made of liquid moonlight, the deep lines of the bark that had been exposed to the millennia of life, everything and anything that had and would happen already etched into the tree. Swirling nebulae of the richest and most vibrant colors, from a glimmering teal to a powdery gold. Everything was flecked with stars and galaxies, glowing with impossible light. The Nine Realms hung from the branches like fruit, Midgard nestled in the very center. Asgard floated right above it, pale silver clouds spiraling around the realm. Loki extended his hand to touch it, but his hand passed right through it.  
_

 _"It's only an illusion," he whispered, disappointed._

 _Frigga chuckled lightly. "There's no way Yggdrasil could actually be here, Loki. But that's beyond the point. This is a mirror image of the tree. Everything that is being shown is exactly as it is in reality. The World Tree knows of the future, present, and past. Everything is as it should be. Nothing is out of order. Yggdrasil knows what you're going through, but she also knows that you can make it through."  
_

 _And with those words, Loki began to feel his heart calm. He could be better than what Odin thought he could be. He wouldn't have to be a disappointment. It would be alright.  
_

 _He could impress instead of disappoint._

 _And that, Loki felt, was the greatest gift he could have._

Standing now, it seemed false. Loki felt _nothing_ but disappointment. The disappointment of Odin, the disappointment of Asgard, the disappointment that he hadn't realized it before. How many times had he questioned his birth? He had been born in secret, despite being a prince. Loki had heard tales of Thor's birth ceremony- a lavish party, the people of Asgard having showered the golden son with gifts. He had also known that it was impossible, really- his dark hair and green eyes were uncharacteristic to the royal family. He'd even taken strands of their hair and tested it, to see if it matched, but somehow, he had managed to push out that information. And every time, it was before this tree.

He would have kicked the damn tree if he hadn't known it was hopeless.

How could Yggdrasil had been so cold and cruel, to mark him with these ugly lines and blue-tinted skin? To give him the red eyes of the demons?

 _Everything is as it should be._

Lies. His whole world had crashed around him, yet the tree still stood calm and upright. For over a thousand years, he had called them Mother and Father. _He had called Thor his brother._ But it wasn't true.

Some Liesmith he was turning out to be. Odin would be furious to see the mistake he'd made- couldn't even see through his own devices!

Loki shook his head quickly. Why was he thinking about Odin, and his disappointment? This was, after all, _Odin's_ fault, not his. Why was he thinking about the faults he had, when he had no choice for his flawed design? The gears in his mind were beginning to spin.

What if, this was meant to be?

What if, he was meant to be a monster? A tragic hero rising from the shadows cast by his once glorified brother?

Perhaps Yggdrasil had wanted to push him to this limit.

There was no more need to follow others.

Loki turned towards the ever-shifting tree. He could see his birth place, land of frost giants.

He could see his new destiny.

* * *

I do love me some Yggdrasil. Amazing idea and concept that I enjoy wrapping my head around. Makes me look a little dazed on the outside.

And yeah. This was supposed to be comfort. It did have some, but it didn't last long.

reviews? any input would be incredibly helpful :D


	8. Yggdrasil

I am Yggdrasil, the World Tree.

Who am I?

I am everything, but I am myself as well.

I need not think, for I know everything I will ever need to already.

I have conscious, and I speak to all your kind. Yet I am still a tree, unmoving and unthinking.

I am your past and future, yet I live with you in the present.

All that there can be is already carved into my bark, so I rarely have to intervene. But I can, and sometimes I have to. Sometimes, I am meant to.

I can do the most complex of tasks thoughtlessly, but if I am needed I can talk to you.

But what am I?

Imagine your little universe, inside an encasing keeping you from shattering. Imagine your universe hanging off of a branch the way an apple does. Somewhere in that universe is your galaxy, which you call the Milky Way. In that galaxy is a medium-size star, what you call your Sun. In that Solar System is a small blue planet with liquid water swirling on its surface. This is your Midgard, or Earth, as you call it.

Now _think_ , and dream of the branch, on a giant silver ash tree composed of swirling clouds that dwarf your minuscule world by numbers too large for the mind to fathom. From this ash tree spreads branches, with leaves of star-like light. The other realms are scattered, on branches or lying at my roots.

If I allow you, you can travel the realms at your own whim, through the means of my branches.

It will be immense and overwhelming for your little mind, to be able to be part of everything yet be able to see it, and ride along its tide. Those who choose to do so risk insanity to travel along the branches of the World Tree.

Twisted roots filled with the colors of the most vibrant night skies sinking into nothing and everything, branches curling into oblivion.

That is who and what and when and where I am.

I am endless. But that does not mean that there is no limit to where you can travel. Eventually your tiny mortal body will stop being able to comprehend.

I am Yggdrasil. I am your whole world.

 _I am everything you will ever know, and everything you've never dreamed._

* * *

CIVIL WAR TRAILER WOOT

This story... was weird. I mean, a story from a tree's point of view. A tree that encompasses everything. Including nothing. Absolutely maddening, the concept. And it's not exactly what Norse mythology was... But I needed to make it realistic. And "scientifically accurate."

I've had this loitering around in my doc manager for who knows how long (more than 90 days, I just never posted it) and I thought it'd be nice to have some content. At the moment, I'm at a lack of finished works. I'm working on two fics right now, one that I know will be suuuuper long and one that's almost finished but taking me a little more time than it should have. I have got a few other ones planned in between... and the long one should have, to some extent, snarky Loki. I've made him angsty for long enough, I think.

Oh whale. Reviews?


	9. Throne of Gold

Yay! The chapter!

* * *

He sat there, in the same position he had long ago. Hand on Gungnir, sprawled out on the throne like a cat.

Only this time, it was different.

This time, he knew what he was doing. He had his disguises and back-up plans, and a clever mind sharp enough to match an eye of wisdom. If he concentrated, Loki could practically feel the smooth golden eyepatch, the white-gold robes that adorned his body. Obnoxious thing, the eyepatch. He couldn't see how Odin could put up with the thing.

Oh well. Wisdom must have been a fair price. He didn't care. Wisdom was a fool's play. There was no such thing as wisdom. What was the difference, really, between intelligence, cunning, wit, and wisdom? Between logic and philosophy?

Thor entered. Oh, how much he had wanted to ignore his brother, still golden and shining. Red cape shimmering around him, Thor lifted his head.

Loki paused. And when he spoke, Odin's gravelly voice came out in response. "You once said there would never be a wiser king than me. You were wrong."

 _You'd have made a better king than this fool._

Loki took a breath and continued. "The alignment has brought the realms together. Everyone of them saw you offer your life to save them."

 _And I died for your cause._ Bitterness swept into his lungs. Stick to the plan. The plan. "What can Asgard offer its new king in return?"

"My life." Ah, Thor had indeed grown wiser after all. It was a kind of intelligence that made Odin's seem more foolish, still. If he kept going on like this, Loki could almost believe in wisdom.

"Father, I cannot be king of Asgard. I will protect Asgard and all the realms with my last and every breath, but I cannot to so from that chair. Loki for all his grave imbalance understood rule as I know I never will."

Imbalance, indeed. Loki allowed himself a small lift in his head. Whether Thor knew how deep the dagger dug into the Trickster's mind was another question. Loki did not particularly desire the answer.

"The brutality, the sacrifice... It changes you. I'd rather be a good man than a great king."

It took everything in him to keep his face still and unnerved. The throne was changing, indeed. Everything about it was despicable and hard to face. And yet it pulled him under. The limelight, inescapable and disgusting, sweetly taking mind of its host. If only he had the choice, to be a good man and leave the throne forever. Thor was blessed still, even after all this time.

But once the blessing gave him ignorance. Now, something else gave him the intellect to make such statements. Going out on a limb, Loki spoke again. "Is this my son I hear? Or the woman he loves?"

 _It's a test, Thor! Choose your words wisely!_

"When you speak, do I never hear Mother's voice?"

Loki's eyes widened, unbidded to his will. He cast his eyes down. It was almost as though Thor knew it was Loki, and spoke these words for him, not Odin. For it was he who loved Frigga the most, loved her with all his soul. Her death had left him colder than his home land of frost giants.

The next few words Thor said, Loki heard but did not bother to listen. He knew what his brother ( _stop thinking about him like that, he's not your brother_ ) was saying. Keep me and Jane, or loose me forever. Loki sighed wearily. Odin's guise was starting to really rub onto him, into him. He felt he'd probably have wrinkles and back problems by the time this was over. "So is this to me my legacy? One who wanted the throne too much, and one who will not take it. Is this to be my legacy?"

"Loki died with honor. I shall try to do the same. Is that not legacy enough?"

Loki faded out the next part, his mind focused on the part where Thor said his name. Letting the illusion do its work, he focused instead on how Thor had said his name. His expression had held the look of sorrow, mixed with determination.

"Thank you, father." Thor's voice broke through his thoughts. He turned away, walking swiftly.

Loki watched Thor leave, feeling like something had actually left him, as well. He shouldn't have cared so much. Part of him couldn't let his brother go.

But most of him could. So he did. And a smirk crawled up his face, as the web of magic dissolved, his green eyes glittering.

"No, thank you."

Oh, thank you indeed, he thought. He had everything he wanted now. He had Asgard, he had Thor under his grip. He had Frigga's revenge.

For the first time, he had a throne. A throne that wasn't given to him, or a throne that made him a mere placeholder for Thanos. It was his own throne, one he'd worked for himself.

Glee filled him with the feeling poisonous syrup. He had everything, and anything! So he waited, for the moment he could relax and enjoy himself, for the satisfaction to hit. The glee no longer felt real, like a mask. Loki waited.

It didn't come.

 _Satisfaction's not in my nature._ He hasn't meant to actually mean it so seriously.

This moment of sitting on the throne he thought he'd longed for, tricking death once again, and it still wasn't good enough.

Would nothing satisfy him? Was he a monster who would keep craving more, until it ate at his mind and existence?

Loki shifted against the uncomfortable rigid throne. How much of a cage it was. How long did he have before someone would look for the illusion of Odin? The illusion was beginning to feel like a burden- and not a glorious one, either. It felt itchy and confined, like Odin's beard.

Loki sighed. He didn't want the throne after all. All this time he'd tried to convince himself that he was going for a throne. And fuck, he lied to himself. He once promised himself never, never, to do that. Ever. No matter what.

When he had first recognized his talent as a liar, he'd told himself that under any condition, he would not believe his own lies. Never fall for his own words. Even if it meant seeing a harsher reality, Loki always knew that falling for something that wasn't there would hurt him, badly.

He needed something to distract him, to lead him away from the hole in his soul. His goal had been the throne for so long, he couldn't remember wanting anything else.

And right now, Loki wanted Thor, right by his side. The way they used to be. Before trickery and deceit didn't plague their world.

He could almost see the ghost of a red cape, walking away and out of his life.

* * *

Sorry about that curse there. I just kind of felt like Loki would be all pent up and he'd need something stronger to express it.

Thank you all for sticking around with this mess of a story! XD

Review, maybe?


	10. No Matter What

So this update is an update of huge news:

Firstly- I changed my username from 'lostinfangirlland' to 'eravvi' mostly because I felt that my previous one was too long. It's a take on 'erravi', which is Latin for "lost/gone astray", if you're wondering.

I sort of lost that other fanfic, to a place who knows where. So this is my replacement fic. I'm pretty sure I would have posted this anyways. This is a lot shorter than the other one would have been (that one was set out to be like, 10k+ words), but I wrote this in about two days while working on an essay so I'm pretty proud of myself.

I also noticed that I tend to write about specific moments at a time, like Loki opening a door, Loki mourning Frigga, Loki falling off the Bifrost. So for this one I thought I'd take it over a series of time for this story.

Now before I ramble on forever, onwards!

* * *

Loki is a frost giant. (At least, he's pretty sure of it.)

(He's never been more sure of anything and _hated_ it so much.)

Honestly? He doesn't know if he should be surprised. Deep down, subconsciously, he's always known he wasn't born to the royal family. He didn't look like Thor's brother. Or Odin's son.

(or Frigga's- _**no**_ , he would not think about that)

He just didn't realize he was the monster he'd been raised to hate.

 _Why didn't you tell me?_ His blood screams with thoughts and with the traitorous blue that spreads through his hands.

* * *

"Are you okay?" Thor asks.

 _No, I'm not, I'm not, I'll never be okay again, I never was, why didn't you tell me?_

 _Did you know? Did you know and never tell me? Did Odin tell his favorite son?_

 _Or has he lied to us both?_

Did Odin even tell Frigga?

No, Frigga had to know. She _always_ knew. (She knew everything about him, whether he wanted or not.)

Then _why_?

 _Why_

 _had_

 _he_

 _never_

 _known?_

( _Ifs_ and _buts_ and _maybes_ dance in his head.)

* * *

He's right.

He's a frost giant. (But for sure, this time.)

Loki doesn't know how to feel about it. It doesn't feel different, but he thinks he should be angry, sad, something.

But instead, he's empty. He's hollow with the knowledge and there is no room left for feeling.

And when Odin talks, confirming what he's already-

 _Oh, no._

He's born to a royal family after all. Loki has heard murmurings of Laufey's runt son, abandoned to a shrine.

 _He_ is the Laufeyson child.

(The _ifs_ and _buts_ and _maybes_ crash to the ground and he would rather have them dance till it hurt his head.)

* * *

Thor still believes him to be his brother.

But Loki is merciless. He will not yield to the pleas. No matter what.

No matter who.

Thor asks again, and he knows for sure this will be that last time.

His brother is different, Loki thinks.

But so is he, and he will never forget that.

(No matter what. No matter who. No matter what, no matter who.)

* * *

I

am

not

your

brother,

 _okay?_

Thor refuses to attack him again.

Loki attacks again.

Thor refuses.

Loki attacks.

 _Go on,_ he wants to scream. Gods, why is he not fighting? He knows Thor can beat him.

He is okay with that, for once.

He has spent his entire life trying to be like Thor, be better than him.

But Loki is **not** a shadow. (Or is he?)

He will not be a shadow.

( _No matter what._ )

* * *

There is still an _if_ , it seems.

Here he is, the god of mischief and lies

clinging

crying

 _caring_

all because he might still believe in something.

 _ **Give it up!** _ He wants to scream at himself.

But he can't.

( _nomatterwhat_ )

 _"No, Loki."_

That's all he needs to hear, really.

He lets go.

* * *

He's

f

a

l

l

i

n

g

and

f

l

o

a

t

i

n

g

and he is _a w a y_ ** _._**

He thinks he hears a _"Loki, no!"_ somewhere off in the distance.

It's Thor's voice, that's for sure.

(How far has he fallen? Can it have been that long? Is he just imagining things? He feels like he's been falling for hours on end. What if-

He stops himself, because there are no _if_ s anymore.)

* * *

There's something different and he can't quite tell what. He's beginning to forget himself. He doesn't see people as people anymore. Sometimes they just seem like flesh sacks.

And he hates it.

He's been working to take his mind off his own sadness and **hate** , but something keeps bringing it back into his head.

He's not alone in his own head.

And oh, there is so much

 ** _hate_**

 ** _anger_**

 ** _jealousy_**

and _sadness_.

* * *

He says it because he needs to remind himself.

"I am Loki, of Asgard."

He is Loki.

Sometimes, he forgets that.

"And I am burdened with glorious purpose."

 _Am_ _I?_ He wonders. It doesn't seem like it. He doesn't want to fight. He wants to go home.

 ** _No. You want to kill Thor. You want to kill his useless companions._**

 ** _There is no compassion in you._**

 ** _Thor is a weakness. Eliminate him._**

 ** _You will kill them and you will laugh._**

There is too much smiling, he thinks, for all this **hate**.

* * *

 **Kill.**

 **Hate.**

 **Anger.**

 **Revenge.**

 **Repeat.**

(He screams.)

* * *

 **Sen** t **iment is weakness, you fool.  
**

T **he pain will be w** or **th it.**

( _Worth what?_ he wonders.)

 **This world can be yours.**

 **You want it.**

 **You need it.**

 **Thanos can give you this world, and everything you want.**

 **You will serve Thanos.**

 _ **No matter** **what.**_

He lets go.

(He feels like he's done this before. Letting go.)

* * *

 **His mind is as sharp as ever.** ( _He can feel it.)_ **There is no reason why it shouldn't be, he realizes.**

 **That isn't a problem.**

 **Here he is, pretending to have been caught. He hasn't been. These men are fools to think that he could be tricked by them. He is the god of mischief-**

 **wait.**

 **That isn't right.**

 **He is a king. He will be king.**

 **And he will have everything that he's ever wanted.**

* * *

 **He's killed 80 people in 2 days.  
**

 **Somehow, that doesn't bother him.**

* * *

 **Everything is so blue- the cell, the Tesseract, his eyes-  
**

his eyes are blue when they are supposed to be green.

They have always been green.

( _No matter what.)_

* * *

 **"Sentiment," he hisses and stabs him** in a spot Loki knows will not kill him. It will hurt, but will not cause death. There are tears on his cheeks, he realizes.

 **You are a weakness.**

 _I already know that._ He knows his weaknesses. Caring! Of all the things that could stop him, it was Thor. (And Frigga. Loki would not forget Frigga.) It has always been Thor. (No matter what.) He wishes it weren't. Despite being brash and selfish, Thanos was right to put him under the Tesseract's influence.

Because Loki is wild, he is uncontainable. He is chaos. And he does what he wants.

So yes, without Thanos keeping him on a leash, Loki would be in a very different situation. He would have already won over Midgard (not that he wants it anyways) and he probably would have killed Thanos. Maybe he would have killed Thor, too, in the spur of the moment.

Thanos did not control him. He fed the hate and anger and jealousy.

 **It's part of him, now.**

* * *

He can _see_ again.

* * *

It really feels like he's rotting away. Here he is, back in Asgard. One terrible questioning later, and he's thrown in yet another cell. It's not a bad place to live, really. Frigga visits him daily (he forgets he can't touch her) and gives him books. It's a comfort to have her here, even if Loki doesn't want to admit it.

Everything is so much better and worse here.

If only he could break out. He'd be able to hug Frigga, punch Odin and... he hadn't quite thought about what he'd do to Thor.

(No more _if_ s.)

* * *

He knew exactly what they were planning to do, and he let them.

Gods, he _helped_ them.

It was instinctive. There was still too much **hate** and he was just so bitter that he said it. One witty remark.

 _When_

 _will_

 _you_

 _learn_

 _to_

 _hold_

 _your_

 _tongue,_

 _Loki?_

(The _if_ s are back, only instead of what he could be, it's what he shouldn't have done.)

* * *

He's a mess and he knows it.

Thor stands outside, grim but still reeking of power. He wants help.

(It's his fault, not Thor's, but he wants to slit his brother's throat.

 _He is not my brother._

 _No matter what._ )

Loki laughs.

(Thor's eyes are so blue. It reminds him of the other times he's laughed. In New York. When he was killing people.)

Loki says that Thor is desperate, because he would never come to Loki for help. Not after what happened in Midgard.

Something has changed.

It takes less than a minute for him to figure it out.

Thor is okay with killing Loki.

He has said goodbye to the past.

Now, if only Loki could do the same.

* * *

Once, Thor wanted him back.

Now, he doesn't.

It's such a weird difference, because while once Loki could have relied on the fact that _Thor would not kill him (no matter what)_ , that's no longer an option.

They used to be unbreakable.

(What if we could turn back time? What if I had killed you there, on Midgard. What if you'd have never found Jane? What if I wasn't a frost giant?

What if I was worthy?)

(He's not worthy, and he knows it. His heart is filled to the brim with black and fragments of a past life. He wants to

l e t

g o

but he can't, he can't, and it kills him.)

Everything is so much more different now.

Thor hates him ( _but not_ ) and Loki wants to kill him. Thor yells all the worst things at him, but he has learned to love hearing the words "lieshateworst _IHATEYOU_ gotoHelfuckyoufuckyou _fuckyou_ ".

So this is fine. Loki can take it. He doesn't care.

Not anymore.

* * *

I'm really sad they don't have strikethrough here, because I would have loved to play around with that here.

Parts were inspired by a fabulous fanfic from a different fandom called "forever cursed in love are the observant". I also wanted to try some other things as well, so it's not just the inspiration, it's me as well.

I recently remembered that Mind _Games_ , one of the previous chapters to this, has a line that is now unchangeable. I believe it goes something along the ideas of "how she twisted minds to her will, and moved things to her will". It's a line that I was originally going to change but I guess I never got around to doing it.

Feedback is, as always, appreciated, especially with this story, as it was an experiment. (Most of my stories are actually experiments wow)


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